what would you do if you are given a once in a lifetime opportunity
to try something you probably would only dare to dream doing it in your sleep
yet the biggest concern to you is you are so dead sure that you are not up for it?
would you still give it a try?

somebody from ntu's badminton team asked me to join their trainings
i wanna emphasize that its not because im good
but rather they are desperately in need of players to the max
you know join their trainings. omg
its really happening. i never even dare to dream about it
join their trainings doesnt mean i will definitely be in the team of course...
and now im troubled
on one hand i really really wanna give this a try
on the other hand i have many many concerns:
- cant blend into the team
- not sure if i wanna go through those setbacks and disappointments again
(there ought to be definitely)
- im definitely no longer as "good" as "i was"
im not saying i was ever good
im just saying there is sure to be some point of time when you will be at your own peak
the period when you train vigorously. the period when you can produce your best
and the period when you are just so into badminton
aiya some should get what i mean
- i havent played major competitive badminton for a long time
(apart from IHG which isnt that competitive as compared to the last one which was like 3 years back?)
and of course the 2 MAIN concerns that is holding me back are
i am really really scared of rejection and
i am really really not goooooood enough. or should say not good at all
i know i shouldnt belittle myself like this
but you know we are talking about tertiary level now
definitely much tougher and prestigous than in sec sch and jc
(at least thats how i feel about it)
walau when i already struggled like hell

and another similar problem
my roomie has been asking me to join their women's soccer team for a sem
its IVP also btw
we played before and she said i have ball sense and play better than most of the freshies
(freshies as in the really new bloods. not including those who had prior experience)
and they need players also..
i was really tempted to give it a try
but the main concern now is not whether im good enough or not
cause i know im definitely not even near good compare to them la
i just cant decide if i wanna commit and play soccer
something not new and yet new to me
but i do love playing soccer too (dont be surprised)
just like how i used to love badminton until all those setbacks you know
you probably enjoy the game only when there is no pressure
yea this is the case most of the time

sometimes i just "hate" this side of me (cant think of a less impactful word)
im sure many people feel this way too
that we are just not good enough (although it might be a fact)
why cant i just have the courage to take the first step?
it is always the first step which is the most important and yet hardest step to take
why am i so afraid of rejection?
why cant i just put away all my stupid concerns and just give it a try?
the thing i "hate" about this side of me is i DONT EVEN DARE TO TRY
i never even give myself a chance. a chance to prove myself wrong
and just disparage myself like that
and because of this. i think i missed many opportunities given to me
not only applying to sports. and other aspects of my life too
like i just DONT DARE to do many things
and all this because i think toooo much worry toooo much
thats what my dad and a friend told me
so long as this is with me one day. i would not be able to accomplish big things
this is so true =X

so to whoever's out there having similar problems as me
hope that you could be more courageous than me
and teach me how if you've finally taken your first step